I know it’s cliche to say, but no one really prepares us for how difficult life, living, really is.
I’ve removed the veils from my eyes and from my mind. Layers of obsessive thoughts, compulsive behaviors, intoxicating plants, and other trap doors leading to false escapes have been peeled off, boarded up, and put away. Now all that’s left is reality, and how painful that can be at times.
Even when you’re doing well, perhaps the people you love aren’t doing quite as well. The enmeshment that unconditional relationships cause can make you feel their pain and make it your own. And maybe there’s some codependence to that, but even when I try to maintain healthy boundaries, there’s only so much I can do to distance myself from my mother’s tangible distress.
I know. I really need to move out. That’s the thing about this city and this economy and this job. I just don’t have enough money to do that… Yet. I’m trying to do everything right, and it takes time to build a lasting foundation. If all goes as planned, I’ll be able to leave sometime this summer. And there is a level of guilt to that, but this is all really trying my strength.
The thing about doing everything right, is… Well, there is no “right” to begin with. My mom did everything “right” and she’s a broken person. Sometimes I worry that I’ll catch that, too, like some sick generational curse that has seemed to trickle down my mother’s side, in such stark contrast to the wealth and ease of my father. My brother inherited that from him, and I have to try and figure out what it is about my thoughts and behaviors that could predispose me to the misery of being that is so seemingly embedded in my matriarchal DNA.
How I crave to shed it from my soul, along with the material things around me that resonate with it.